adminI don’t even know where to start so please just forgive the word vomit that is about to ensue. If you want to skip this post, I do not blame you in the slightest.
Responsibility. I hate you. Seriously.
I am a pretty responsible person when it comes to my job but when it comes to me, I can’t give a fraction of that responsibility to myself. I don’t get it. I will go above and beyond for my jobs knowing full well they won’t care, yet when it comes time to take responsibility in myself I am so apathetic. I just don’t do it. I can’t find the drive and grit. It comes once in a while and I try to hang onto it for as long as I can. It is a vicious and toxic cycle in my life I have yet to figure out how to break.
I feel pressure to work out every day. My partner does and I am so proud of her. She doesn’t put the pressure on me but if I don’t go I definitely feel as she is disappointed in me. I think this is the pressure I put on myself. I am incredibly hard on myself. I always have been. I can’t stop. If you tell me to stop, I just put more pressure on myself. I am struggling right now to fit the gym into my schedule. The gym and I, working out in general, is a relationship I have never had. It isn’t a healthy relationship. I need people to realize that where I am at with my fitness is the best relationship I have ever had with it. It isn’t ideal, it isn’t perfect, but it’s at a much more healthy place than it use to be. I can do yoga now with no problem. I really enjoy walking and I am building a relationship with the gym. I do things on my own time, I can’t be rushed or pushed. I already feel guilt and pressure from myself and having outside factors weigh in makes it more difficult for me.
I am still trying to find things I am truly passionate about. I realized that when I moved to Asia I was a college graduate and never had time to establish myself outside of who I was in college. The past 7 years I have been on that journey. I am trying to figure out my skillsets, my strengths, what I want to do in my life. Sometimes I want to go back to school because I miss studying about WGS but a masters or a second bachelors in that would be useless I think, and money I don’t have.
I want to take more skills classes, glassblowing or watercolors, learning how to write slam poetry, the ukulele. I want to continue with SFX but in Taiwan there is no market for that. My skills there have kinda fallen flat. My creativity side has fallen into apathy and that is NOT healthy. I have no desire to be creative, I have no idea what to do when I sit down to paint or draw
my – mind – is – blank
I hate it. I love being creative.
On another side of things I want to clean out EVERYTHING I OWN. If you know me I know I have been saying this for a long fucking time, but I am just not getting around to it. I need help and I need focus. I want to wake up on a day off and just do it. Listen to music, drink coffee and pile all the stuff into the living room and sort it by keep-trash-donate or repurpose.
EVERYTHING. everything in the boxes, the corners the drawers the shelves. I want to cleanse.
These are the most consistent thoughts in my head this week. Also I still want to go get a cute pedicure tomorrow during my break. I want a cool design on my toes. I think seasonal depression might be a thing for me. The weather is getting warmer.
Well, off to be responsible and go to work.
